Ikari Towers
by The Dane
Summary: Shinji leaves NERV to start a hotel with Asuka, Rei and all the other lovable characters. From there on things rapidly gets worse.
1. Gendo Checks In.

A disclaimer...whatever...GAINAX owns everything about NGE, I'm just a pawn.  
  
The voices are makin' me do this and I ain't even makin' any money'! How's about that?!  
  
  
Ikari Towers.  
  
Part I. Gendo Checks In.  
  
Get ready to RRUUMBLE!!  
  
  
"SHINJIII!!" Asuka Langley Ikari screamed. "Yes dear?" Came the almost inaudible reply from her  
  
husband, who was doing the bookkeeping while she was on the phone. "There's a costumer stupid."  
  
She yelled, Shinji just sighed. "Well can't you handle it honey? I'm doing some important work  
  
right now." "I'm on the phone. What are you, stupid? You do those kinds of things." She snarled  
  
back at him. "Like all the work?" Shinji Ikari muttered sarcastically. "I heard that!" Was the  
  
instant and extremely venomous reply he received. He sank a lump in his throat...No! He was NOT  
  
going to back down now! The costumer was banging on the little bell on the counter, clearly  
  
impatient. "Asuka-chan, pumpkin pie, honey, my dearest of all dear things..." he almost lost his  
  
resolve when he saw the happy expression that gave her. "...why don't you put down the phone and  
  
start to do some goddamn work around here!" When he saw her expression then, he instantly  
  
regretted every word. Not so much as fear of HIM HAVING hurt her. More fear of BEING hurt BY her.  
  
He couldn't seem to swallow the lump that had formed once again in his throat. Only this time  
  
much bigger, and impossible to swallow. Shinji's hands twitched spasmodically from his vain  
  
attempts in trying to clench and unclench them while facing down his wife. She was beautiful when  
  
she was angry, he had to admit that. Her blue eyes flared, and her red hair seemed to have a life  
  
of its own. Like some dragon's mane. Her cheeks flushed just a little and she put her fists on  
  
her slender, shapely hips. Suddenly a sharp pain on the side of his face remembered him why he  
  
sometimes had his doubts about their marriage, as he recoiled from the slap. "GO SERVICE THAT  
  
FUCKIN' CUSTOMER!" She roared every bit as furious as the dragon whose mane her hair imitated.  
  
He sighed and figured that he shouldn't push his luck. He remembered the last time he had done  
  
that. But now the guest room had at least been supplied with a small oven to provide some heat  
  
when people had to sleep over...  
  
  
Gendo was wearing an evil smirk that made people go in wide circles around him. He was at the  
  
brink of throwing his head back and laughing maniacally at the new way he had found to make his  
  
son's life miserable. He was going to spend a couple of days at Shinji's new hotel!  
  
He now stood at the counter, waiting to be serviced and flirting with the maid, Rei Ayanami.  
  
She was a pale and quiet little thing with light blue hair and blood-red eyes. Quite beautiful,  
  
in fact exquisite. And from the sound of her voice and the way her eyes sometimes glazed over,  
  
quite addicted to crack. And Gendo knew that. All he had to do was to wave that little plastic  
  
bag in front of her pretty little nose and her eyes had been lit with the flame of a thousand  
  
christmas candles. She had agreed to pay him an... 'extracurricular visit' after hours. Now if  
  
this final piece would just fall into place, he would have driven his son to the brink of madness  
  
within a few days! Gendo Ikari couldn't resist an evil snicker at that thought. No one resigned  
  
from NERV! Especially not when that someone dragged all the other key-personal with them...and  
  
to start A HOTEL of all the friggin' things he could have done. That little screw-up just HAD to  
  
start a GODDAMN HOTEL! Gendo was not happy with the turn things had taken, and so he would get  
  
his ultimate revenge over his son!  
  
  
Shinji stopped dead in his track when he saw who was standing at the counter. He bit his lower  
  
lip and balled his hands into fists mentally reciting his favourite mantra: "I mustn't run away,  
  
I mustn't run away, I MUSTN'T RUN AWAY!" He stepped up to the counter, giving his best fake  
  
smile. "How can I be of assistance sir?" Gendo grinned. "Hello Shinji, I would like rooms for  
  
four people, preferably one whole." "This is just too easy!" Shinji thought. "I'm sorry dad, but  
  
we're fresh out of rooms. Come again some other day. Bye, bye!" Suddenly a stoned voice  
  
interjected "Isn't room 19 available for four people Ikari-kun?" Shinji snapped around to see Rei  
  
standing in the opening to the staff coffee-room looking positively wasted. Her dress and hair  
  
were ruffled, her eyes glazed, and she looked as if she might begin to either drool or keel over  
  
at any given moment. Shinji looked at his father, hatred flaming from the grey orbs so similar to  
  
those of the older Ikari. "I don't think so Rei." Shinji said slowly, elaborately so that nothing  
  
went too fast for her drugged brain to comprehend. "Maybe you should just take the afternoon off.  
  
To burn off the high 'kay?" She looked at him, she could probably hear what he said, maybe even  
  
understand it on some plane of abstract comprehension. But right now she was just too stoned and  
  
too far away for anything to reach her, she had only one thing to say before she left the area:  
  
"That's some heavy shit dude..." Then she stumbled out, giggling, talking to herself and swatting  
  
at butterflies that was there only in her mind.  
  
"Shinji? Haven't you gotten the man a room yet- Oh, hi Commander Ikari." She smiled at Gendo who  
  
returned the favour. Then she turned to Shinji. "Get him a room!" "No." Shinji refused flatly.  
  
"I'm not getting him a room, it's probably just some plan of his to drive me crazy. Just look at  
  
what he did to Rei!" "Rei did that to herself." Gendo interjected. "But you gave her the crack!"  
  
Shinji screamed at the older man. "Now I'm hurt." Gendo mocked. "You truly don't believe that I,  
  
your own father, would hand out crack to a innocent, beautiful young woman such as Miss Ayanami?"  
  
Shinji merely nodded, as in: Yes, he DID believe his father capable of such a thing (and of  
  
course, rightly so).  
  
Asuka on the other hand was glowering at Shinji, who seemed to have developed some of a spine.  
  
That could not be accepted, although there was nothing more pathetic than a housebroken male,  
  
she wouldn't stand being contradicted by her own husband! She had to set him aright this instant.  
  
"Shinji-kun." She purred in the low, seductive tone of voice that is most women's birthright. But  
  
Shinji knew what would come next, and waited for the storm of verbal abuse surely heading his  
  
way. "Shinji, if you don't give your father room 19 and apologize for thinking he gave Rei that  
  
bag of crack..." Shinji didn't need for her to finish that sentence. But he tried to stand his  
  
ground nevertheless. "NO!" He growled. "It'll be a cold day in hell before I let that creep stay  
  
at MY hotel..." He saw the subtle change in her facial expression, as he tried to finish that  
  
sentence she cooly broke in. "Give him that room!"  
  
No roar, no words spoken by any other person short of god himself could have had such a profound  
  
effect on Shinji as those words spoken in a flat, low voice. He felt the tender beginnings of his  
  
spine crumble to dust. Trod under foot by the boots of an Asuka in a German SS uniform. Grinning  
  
evilly from under the helmet as she ripped out his heart and ate it raw...smiling all the way.  
  
He had no other options, hell had just frozen over. "Yes dear." Shinji said quietly as he handed  
  
his father, and arch-rival, the keys to the room he wanted. "Have a nice stay sir." Shinji didn't  
  
even bother to match his tone of voice with the enormous smile planted on his face. _She must be  
  
obeyed!_ Shinji thought. Gendo gave a little snort and grabbed the keys from Shinji's numb  
  
fingers as he called for his roommates to come out. "Ritsuko, Professor Fuyutski! You can come  
  
out, we got the room." Gendo took extreme satisfaction in the way Shinji's jaw seemed to hit the  
  
floor. And the way his eyes almost popped from their sockets as he saw Ritsuko swagger in dressed  
  
in clothes that would make even Misato blush. Ritsuko merely gave him a mischievous smile and  
  
blew him a kiss. "TOJII!" Asuka screamed. "Get here, NOW!" Toji stuck his head out from the  
  
kitchen, his mouth full of something still in the process of being chewed. "Amm gomin'!" He  
  
slurred. "Jeez." Asuka smacked her forehead muttering. "Doesn't he ever stop eating?" "Not when  
  
Misato is cooking." Kensuke yelled from the kitchen.  
  
Eventually Toji got around finishing his meal. "You want me to carry all those bags to the third  
  
floor?" He asked incredulously. "Correct." Gendo simply said, indicating the pile of luggage that  
  
belonged to him, Commander Fuyutski and Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. "Why the hell didn't you make Kensuke  
  
the bell-boy?" Toji snarled. "At least he doesn't have any artificial limbs. This sucks!" "First  
  
of all," Asuka snarled. "You are stronger than Kensuke, even with an arm and a leg missing. And  
  
furthermore, scheißkopf, you're the Majordomo, not the bellboy! Verdammte idiot! Er sind der  
  
größte, verteufelste schwein in der ganzes welt!" Her obnoxious tirade continued on and  
  
on...until she finally ran out of words, and obscenities for her to utter. Then she gave a sweet  
  
smile and Shinji knew what was coming. "And besides, my little liebchen here will help you." She  
  
looked menacingly at him. "Won't you, dear?" She growled. "Yes..." Shinji finally gave up even  
  
thinking he would ever get enough of a spine to stand up to his wife. Gendo, Fuyutski and Toji  
  
looked as if they would start laughing their asses off any minute now. Shinji just tried to  
  
ignore them as he began lugging Ritsuko's suitcases up to room 19.  
  
  
Next, on Ikari towers: Will Shinji ever succeed in getting Rei off crack? Will he ever get a  
  
spine? Will Ritsuko ever start dressing properly again? Will Toji ever eat his fill? Will Asuka  
  
ever start treating Shinji like a man (Or at least a human being)? Has Misato actually learned  
  
how too cook? Will I ever make sense?...  
  
This and many more inane questions will be answered in the next episode of: Ikari Towers!  
  
And if you'd like to post it...I'd be happy. But _do_ tell me first ^_^ 


	2. The Bride of FrankenPen.

A disclaimer seems to have found its way in here: Pay it NO heed what so ever!  
  
FF7 is the property of...hey! Oops, wrong fic, my bad...*blam...thud*  
  
Hmm, so that's where they all went...Anyway:  
  
NGE is the property of GAINAX and yadayadayada...I'm straining my right hand here...I'm having  
  
lotsa fun, but it ain't givin' me no money!  
  
  
Ikari Towers.  
  
Part II. The Bride of FrankenPen.  
  
M'kay, let's get it ON!  
  
  
Shinji was doing his usual late night check on all the floors just to see if everything was  
  
right.  
  
He hummed to himself as he walked down the long quiet corridors. He enjoyed the silence,  
  
not that he didn't like being around his wife, Asuka, anymore it was just...pleasant to have  
  
somewhere he could ponder the great mysteries of life. Like, for example, where the hell was Rei?  
  
He heard voices from one of the rooms, familiar voices. He fought with his moral decency and his  
  
curiosity, naturally curiosity won out. He walked over and put his head against the door.  
  
"...damn Rei!" Came the voice of Gendo Ikari, "Oh, yeah! That's the stuff! Gimme some more!"  
  
Shinji's face wrinkled in disgust...but hadn't Ritsuko and Fuyutski been there also? "Oh Ritsuko!  
  
Mmm, YES! That's the spot. Right there!" Ritsuko's answer came back muffled...as if she had  
  
something in her mouth. "Like this?" "OH YES!" That proved to be the final drop for poor  
  
Shinji's sanity. He burst into the room. "Would you keep it down? We don't condone such perver-"  
  
His jaw dropped when he saw what really had been going on. Ritsuko was giving Fuyutski one of  
  
her famous massages while munching on some freshly baked cakes that Rei had brought in, Rei was  
  
actually still holding the platter of cookies from which Gendo was greedily scooping as much up  
  
as possible. Gendo had his feet submerged in a little tub of steaming water. "Oh, hi Shinji."  
  
Rei giggled. "Would you like some tea and cookies, and maybe Ritsuko could give you a back-rub.  
  
You really look as if you need to unwind!" Shinji made a funny little squeaky sound, shook his  
  
head meekly and then closed the door silently behind him. Gendo, Rei, Ritsuko and Fuyutski all  
  
looked at each other in bewilderment, then shrugged and returned to their tea-party.  
  
Once outside Shinji began to shudder. He couldn't decide what was worse, the two commanders  
  
of NERV having a tea party at a hotel room or the same two commanders doing what he thought they  
  
had been doing in a hotel room. "The next thing will probably be fuckin' poetry..." And as Shinji  
  
left he heard the first lines of Gendo's newest haiku poem. "The nerve of NERV is nervously  
  
vacant. I know the nervous..." Then Shinji began to run...fast!  
  
  
Kaji was rummaging through the refrigerators late in the night, looking for something edible that  
  
didn't need cooking. When he found the last refrigerator, he silently thought: There HAS to be  
  
something in here! And there was...the next morning Misato wondered where Pen Pen had gone and  
  
Kaji looked mysteriously full.  
  
"Toji?" She smiled sweetly at the young Majordomo/Bellboy "Yes Misato-san." He drooled.  
  
"You wouldn't happen to know where Pen Pen are, now would you?" He briskly shook his head.  
  
"No, ma'am! I haven't seen him all morning, mayb-" He was interrupted by a obscene belch from  
  
Kaji, who where now chugging down his sixth Boa beer in a span of three minutes. "Hey M-chan,  
  
great chicken. When did you learn how to cook? It was great, albeit a bit raw..." He muttered to  
  
himself. "I could've sworn that the damn thing tried to bite back...maybe that was just the  
  
mushrooms. Last time 'round it was a Smurf musical on top of my tv-set, so why not a chicken  
  
from a refrigerator trying to eat me as well..." He shook his head and popped another can of  
  
beer.  
  
Misato and Toji was horrified. "Oh my god!" They said in unison. "You ate Pen Pen...You bastard!"  
  
Kaji merely looked at them in surprise. "No I didn't, this one was...hey wait a second..."  
  
He scratched his stubble trying to come up with something. "Well, maybe I did. Hell I'll buy  
  
ya'all a new one Ok? Ookay!" He then hurried out of the kitchen and down to the nearest  
  
pet-store. To see if they had any warm-water penguins.  
  
  
Ritsuko was standing in the smallest room there was in the hotel apartment, she was wearing  
  
protective glasses and a lab-coat. She was making a substance that would ensure the full and  
  
complete control over Rei, a substance to which Rei was already addicted...crack. "Why the hell  
  
would someone invent a drug named after a part of their own ass?! Let alone be addicted to it?"  
  
Ritsuko pondered philosophically. "Oh, what the hell. I'm not the one doing that shit." Gendo  
  
came into the room. "Are you done yet? It's time for her dose." Ritsuko looked up from what she  
  
was doing. "You remember how to cut the mixture, right?" "Correct." Gendo snapped. "Now hand over  
  
that dope!" Ritsuko did as she was told. She wondered if she should tell the commander that she  
  
had made the drug a bit stronger than usual. But no, if he would just stick to the procedures  
  
she had shown him there wouldn't be any problems...  
  
  
"Hey! Where'd all the pretty flowers and the talking lizards go?" Rei pouted like a little girl  
  
and looked around the room where she was sitting. "That's the last time I do LSD, what a load o'  
  
bull: 'Hey dudette, LSD's the coolest shit man!' 'Yeah, it'll make you like, totally trip man...'  
  
shit on that!" Rei was now done with the twelwe quarter sized tablets of LSD she had bought from  
  
her local dealer. She had munched the first three, then waited a couple of hours. She then  
  
consumed the rest of her acid over the rest of the day. (from ten in the morning 'till eight in  
  
the evening. She had supplemented them with skunk and various other things during that period)  
  
"Maybe Kaji still got some 'shrooms." Rei was about to leave the room when Gendo knocked at the  
  
door. "Who is it?" She asked in her crack-head voice, forgetting that she was supposed to never  
  
answer or open the door. "Oops! Heh, sorry Commander." Rei smiled self-consciously as Gendo  
  
frowned angrily at her. "You NEVER answer the door. You leave the door open and let the people go  
  
inside for themselves, then you either pretend you're showering or just came home, that way you  
  
have time to split if you find out it's the pigs!" Gendo made some further unsavory comments  
  
about the corruption of DNA or something then he left Rei with her brand new bag of crack...  
  
  
Kaji wondered how Misato would like her new penguin. He hoped that she'd forgive him...he  
  
really needed somewhere to stay since he was out of a job right now. And with the lousy social  
  
security he'd been recieving, he was barely holding on to life as it was...man, that raw penguin  
  
had really messed up his stomach. It had been behaving as if it had a life of its own all day...  
  
"Hey, wait a minute..." Kaji had just had a bright idea. He would puke up PenPen and see if he  
  
could reanimate him in some way. Gendo'd probably help him out with that. He had a way with dead  
  
things...  
  
  
After purging himself of the last piece of penguin, Kaji handed over the black plastic bag with  
  
PenPen parts to Gendo. "I expect that you will succeed." Kaji said. "Don't worry." Gendo gave an  
  
evil smirk. "I _always_ succeed." He took the bag and headed off to NERV. He had some work to do.  
  
  
Things were quiet. That was NOT a good sign, it was a lesson Shinji had been taught the hard way.  
  
Silence is never good unless there's a man with a smoking .357 behind it. And since  
  
Shinji hadn't had the time to buy a gun, there had to be something wrong. Rei was absent, Asuka  
  
wasn't at the phone, Toji was nowhere to be found, Kesuke was not at the computer and Misato was  
  
not in the bar...something was amiss here. He just couldn't piece it together.  
  
And then a thunderstorm broke above the hotel...literally...as in one of those big storms with a  
  
lot of rain and even more thunder and lightning and...stuff...anyhoo. Shinji was now pretty  
  
unnerved, so he decided to find NERV *bad pun warning, please punish the author*   
  
  
At NERV headquarters, deep in central dogma. Gendo was now performing an experiment.  
  
Gendo: IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE! MWAHUAHAHAHA!  
  
FrankenPen: WARK...  
  
Gendo had first pieced together PenPen and then he had revived him. PenPen was not happy about  
  
being a living dead penguin, so he ordered Gendo to find him a bride...  
  
  
Meanwhile in Rei's room.  
  
Rei: Hmmm, Gendo didn't cut the shit this time...oh well. That probably means that it's a lot  
  
weaker.  
  
Ritsuko had neglegted to tell Gendo that she had made the crack a lot stronger than usual, and  
  
Gendo in his fury of Rei being such a stoned freak had neglegted to weaken the crack by 'cutting'  
  
it with whatever he usually used. Rei doubled her dose and as a result got as high as she had  
  
never been before (Or ever would be again).  
  
  
Gendo put the pedal to the metal, he had to find Rei, she could be FrankenPen's bride. He  
  
wouldn't even have to kill her. She always did what he said to her...but maybe if he modeled a  
  
blow-up doll after her, he wouldn't even have to give her to FrankenPen. Yeah, that'd be the  
  
thing to do. He smiled at himself for being so devious. And he decided that he would make a copy  
  
of that blow-up doll and put it in his son's room. He'd like to see Shinji worm his way out of  
  
THAT one with Asuka...  
  
  
Rei was waddling around firmly believing that she was a warm-water penguin. She would  
  
occasionally 'wark' at someone passing by, but otherwise she just kept still. Right now she was  
  
standing on the highway 'warking' at a van heading towards her. She had at a point donned  
  
her maid's uniform thinking that it fitted her as a penguin...  
  
  
Gendo could see some stupid girl in a maid's dress standing in the middle of the highway and he  
  
hit the brakes. "Rei, come here." He shouted to her. "Wark?" Rei waddled over to Gendo and began  
  
to nuzzle him. "Rei, just get into the car, ok? Ookay!" He shoved Rei into the back seat  
  
recieving a 'wark' of protest, and then she tried to peck him in the eye. (Not very successfully,  
  
considering she didn't even have a beak to peck with.) That resulted in Gendo getting head-butted  
  
and Rei knocking herself out and getting a nose-bleed. Thus far thing were going great.  
  
  
Shinji had just returned from the weapons store, he had not found anyone but a dead,  
  
sewn-together PenPen at NERV. He had then stopped by the weapons store on his way home.  
  
Something he had meant to do for a long time, he'd just never had the time to spare. But now he  
  
had a brand new .357 Magnum with a great, big load of teflon-coated hollowpoints. And a MAC-10  
  
and the biggest sniper-rifle he could get from the store manager. He didn't know why he bought  
  
the sniper-rifle, but one thing was for sure...he would _never_ believe the dogs OR the penguins!  
  
  
Author's note: If you didn't like it feel free to give a bad review, but please make sense and  
  
have some proper reasons!  
  
Next on Ikari Towers: Has Shinji finally lost it? Has he become the prophesized 2nd Son of Sam?  
  
Where IS everybody at? Will Gendo succeed in his wicked scheme? What will happen to Rei? CAN  
  
Misato cook? Will I stop being insane? (Like that'll ever happen...) What of the other penguin  
  
and Kaji? Would the real Slim Shady please stand up? And what shall become of FrankenPen,  
  
The Penguin Formerly Known as PenPen?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  
  
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????  
  
And P.S. If y'all found a fancy for my fanfics, you'd be more than welcome to post them, but I'd  
  
be extremely appreciative of recieving a notice of you doing so first ^_^ Ok? Ookaay! 


	3. Part III

Author's pre-note: I want to start out by apologizing to all those who waited SO long for the   
  
next episode of Ikari Towers... Gomen. ^_^;; I got caught up in school and other fics that needed  
  
my attention, but now I'm off my medicine so I'm going I.T. again. *grins evilly*  
  
By the way, there are some Fawlty Towers references... for those who know Fawlty Towers, which   
  
have given me a lot of inspiration for this series.  
  
  
Disclaimer: If I ever get around to owning NGE then you can fuck my ass and call me bitch! Of   
  
course I don't own anything with it! Sue me and I'll donkey-rape you!  
  
Thank you to all of my pre and beta-readers: Yebisu Beer, Kaoru's revenge, Josh Kaushansky AND the illustrious  
  
Worldmage. ^_^  
  
And thank you to Yebisu Beer for giving me the jolt that set off this new episode.  
  
I dedicate this to you. (Never would've written it if you hadn't reminded me how fun this can be  
  
with your excellent piece of work. ^_~ )  
  
Let the insanity commence. *sick grin*  
  
  
  
  
Ikari Towers part III.  
  
  
  
  
Shinji was standing on a rooftop, the wind softly ruffling his hair. He breathed slowly--   
  
concentrating on what he was doing. He inhaled sharply and exhaled just a bit pulling the trigger  
  
of his caliber 50 government issue sniper-rifle, freezing in anticipation of the kill...  
  
"AAARRGHH! I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND RIP OFF THEIR FRIGGIN' HEADS WITH MY  
  
BARE HANDS!" He shrieked as he missed the guy on the swing for the umpteenth time.  
  
Shinji had decided that he had to kill all of humanity (Except for a few select people who would be  
  
servants and populate his harem) in honor of the allmighty mutt-god CUJO (and his penguin legions).  
  
FrankenPen had convinced him that it was the right thing to do.  
  
  
Shinji Ikari had officially snapped.  
  
They had gone for the swings as soon as Shinji missed the first shot-- a bird has dumped a load   
  
of shit on him.  
  
Shinji had wondered why, but now he realized why: He'd run out of ammo before they ran out of   
  
fun...  
  
  
The guy on the swing laughed and said something to the lady on the other swing...  
  
"You think he's gettin' tired of that game yet?" The guy on the swing asked his girlfriend, going  
  
higher on the swing.  
  
"Naw, snipers never get tired of that shit. Let's tease him some more, then we'll go home." She  
  
giggled and tried to push the swing to new heights as well.  
  
Suddenly the pair heard a funny hissing sound, they turned their heads to see a big rocket headed  
  
their way... that was the last thing they saw before it blew them and the swings they had been sitting on up.  
  
  
Shinji was panting. After having cursed and ranted for fifteen minutes straight he had decided to  
  
fish out his 'in-case-I-can't-hit-shit' kit. He took out the enourmous rocket-laucher and mounted  
  
it on a gyro-stabilizer. Then he pressed the 'fire' button.  
  
  
Rei was having several kinds of hangovers and abstinences... she moaned and rolled over in her  
  
bed to see who she had slept with this time. Last time she had been this far gone it had been  
  
Hikari... she opened her eyes and-- looked into the eyes of FrankenPen.  
  
  
FrankenPen woke abrubtly at Rei's inhuman scream. He wondered why his bride was acting up like   
  
that.  
  
"Hey, babe. What's with the 'deer-caught-in-headlights' impression?" He asked.  
  
Rei stopped screaming and tried to cover herself up only to realize that she was still wearing   
  
her maid's uniform... when the hell had she put on that? "How can you talk? You are a DEAD   
  
PENGUIN!"  
  
FrankenPen stood up and brushed himself off indignantly. "If you have to know, I am actually the  
  
leader of the almighty penguin legions of the mutt-god COJU. So respect my authoritaaahh BIYATCH!"  
  
Rei was about to faint. This was way too much for her drug-demented brain to comprehend. She   
  
tried to process the information a piece at the time: Ok, I woke up in bed with a penguin. I am   
  
wearing my maid's uniform and no knickers-- although I usually don't.... Uhm, why am I wearing  
  
this ring, I don't like rings. Rei tried to remove the trinket from her finger.  
  
"No can do, babe. You're mine. Now and forever are you the bride of FrankenPen!" Lightning   
  
flashed (pretty odd, considering that there were no clouds and the sun was shining) as FrankenPen  
  
threw back his head and laughed maniacally. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
  
Rei was officially scared.  
  
  
Gendo looked at Fuyutski, who had just entered the little room in which the commander of NERV and Dr. Ritsuko Akagi sat.  
  
"Is it done?" Gendo asked the older man.  
  
Fuyutski nodded, his discomfort was obvious.  
  
"Yes, I have completed the mission with-" he shifted and tried to brush something off his pants  
  
"-with succes."  
  
"Good," Gendo grinned. "This should teach Shinji not to mess with his old man. He's gonna be screaming for  
  
me to let him pilot EVA again when this is over."  
  
Gendo, Fuyutski and Ritsuko threw back their head simultaneously and laughed evilly.  
  
"MWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"  
  
  
Asuka was leading Hikari towards the guest room where Shinji usually slept. She had told that baka  
  
hentai baka to clean out the room before Hikari arrived. The nerve of that guy. He had actually expected   
  
to get laid on their wedding night. Even after she had told him it was only because of the tax   
  
advantages she married him. He still mustered up the guts to grab her ass when they slept. That   
  
was when she decided that they should only sleep in the same room when there was an inpending   
  
inspection from the Marriage-fraud Commitee, which had been established to check on all the young couples.  
  
Most of them only married because they recieved a tax advantage and so the commmitee came every two or three years  
  
to check on the young people.  
  
Hikari waved her hand in front of Asuka's face, Asuka snapped out of her trance and gave her   
  
friend an embarrassed grin as she opened the door.  
  
Hikari fainted dead away and Asuka's jaw dislocated when it hit the floor.  
  
In Shinji's bed lay a blow-up Rei and a bottle of hand-lotion, on his television the DVD   
  
compilation of Urutsokidöji was going on and on in replay mode. An empty pack of kleenex lay  
  
beside the reclining-chair he usually sat in and the waste basket was full.  
  
  
Asuka's scream reached Shinji coming down from another rooftop... "SHIIIIIINJIIIIII!!!!"  
  
He was surprised, so he accidentally dropped his rocket-launcher.  
  
"Oh, fuck it. I'm gonna go get that friggin' chaingun!" Shinji said with a sick smile.  
  
  
Gendo sat before the screen with a feed from a secret camera in the guest-room, laughing his ass  
  
off.  
  
Ritsuko sighed, rolled her eyes and handed him a kleenex he could dry his eyes with.  
  
Fuyutski groaned and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.  
  
Aw, damn. I'm gonna need a new pair of pants...  
  
  
FrankenPen was chasing Rei around in their motel-room.  
  
"Get over here and give your daddy some sugar!" FrankenPen lechered.  
  
Rei just screamed and tried to get to the door.  
  
  
Gendo was watching the debacle through the video cameras he had installed into all of the rooms  
  
on the hotel. He almost felt sorry for Rei, but then he decided that introducing the clone of   
  
his wife to mind-expanding substances had not been a good idea... oddly enough Yui hadn't  
  
suffered the same side-effects as Rei, but then again she had self control and will of her own.  
  
Suddenly Gendo had a bright flash of inspiration.  
  
"I'll make the next one a straight-edger!" Gendo exclaimed. Ritsuko just gave him a blank stare  
  
and Fuyutski had gone to change to another pair of pants.  
  
  
Misato was loosing her patience with the two boys standing before her, drooling.  
  
"Listen Touji, Kensuke! You need to get to work." She glared at them.  
  
"Yes Misato-sama." They chanted, not moving and inch.  
  
Misato slapped her forehead with her palm-- this would be a long, long day.  
  
  
The costumer had waited for an hour straight. He was getting impatient, after all he had just   
  
ordered curry ramen and the majordomo had said that they had plenty of that stuff.  
  
Suddenly a beautiful, woman with incredible curves came out from the kitchen. She held a steaming bowl of ramen   
  
in her hand.  
  
"Well," the costumer said. "It sure took its time getting done with that ramen." He gave her an   
  
unhappy glance which turned to wide-eyed wonder as she leaned over the table, smacking the bowl   
  
of ramen down before him.  
  
"Enjoy your meal!" It was an order, not a comment. The costumer ignored her tone as he was having  
  
trouble trying not to pass out from blood-loss due to the enourmous nose-bleed he was suddenly  
  
suffering from.  
  
  
Touji was having a discussion with Kensuke when Shinji entered the kitchen.  
  
"What are you two arguing about again?" Shinji sighed.  
  
"Kensuke still thinks that Hikari cheated on me with Rei last spring!" Touji snarled.  
  
"She did too!" Kensuke snapped. "You should've seen the glances she sent her, and I swear she  
  
had a nose-bleed when Rei bent over to pick up something she dropped on the floor."  
  
"How would you know that?" Touji baited Kensuke.  
  
"Because I was video-taping it-" Only too late did Kensuke realize his error.  
  
"HA! I KNEW IT, YOU HENTAI FREAK!" Touji yelled pointing accusingly at Kensuke.  
  
"Well you sure as hell didn't mind me getting tapes of Asuka and Hikari in the showers!" Kensuke  
  
yelled back.  
  
"Why, you--" Touji was interrupted by Shinji's smacking him in the back of the head with a   
  
frying pan.  
  
"You know, he has family in Madrid, that must be why--" Kensuke's comment was also stopped by  
  
Shinji's deft backhand with the frying pan.  
  
"Hmm-- these are quite handy. Wonder if they make them EVA-size..."  
  
  
Asuka was having trouble lugging a unconscious Hikari down the stairs. Finally she tired of   
  
having her friend slung over the shoulders and just settled for holding on to her legs. Asuka   
  
immidiately regretted this when she dragged Hikari down the stairs bumping her head on the steps  
  
in the process.  
  
"I'll just say she hit her head when she fainted-- it'll be partially true anyway."  
  
Hikari groaned as she hit the last step and Asuka felt a moment of guilty conscience... which   
  
passed quickly...  
  
  
FrankenPen was still chasing Rei around. She had gotten out of the hotel and was now heading for   
  
NERV headquarters. FrankenPen was hot on her heels, but as soon as she could get into her eva, that would change.  
  
  
Shinji had fished out a chain-gun. He had realized that his aim was too bad for sniping and that it was a waste of rockets  
  
just using it on single people or pairs.  
  
And so, he was now unloading his slugs on the crowd on the Tokoy 3 town square.  
  
"MWAHAHA! FEEL THE POWER OF CUJO, SINNERS! I, THE SON OF FRANKENPEN SHALL  
  
MAKE YOU ALL ATONE! MWAHAHAHA!"  
  
  
Asuka had just dragged Hikari down into the lobby when...  
  
"HIKARI! YOU RED-HEADED DEMON, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE!" (Hikari is actually light in Japanese.)   
  
Touji had woken up to see Asuka drag Hikari down the final stair, Hikari smacking her head against the floor.  
  
"Oh, calm down. She's just gonna have a little head-ache when she wakes up, that's all." Asuka thought it over and then said.  
  
"Ok, a big head-ache. But that gives me the time to bribe you into not telling her." Asuka pouted seductively and unzipped   
  
the front of her dress, shrugging it off.  
  
"You're twice the man baka Shinji is anyway." She walked over to Touji and pressed herself against him and gave him a french  
  
kiss.  
  
Touji passed out once more. This time from blood loss due to the fact that his nose was bleeding furiously. Asuka smiled and  
  
put on her dress again.  
  
Being overdeveloped was really a hoot.  
  
  
Gendo dabbed at his nose-bleed and gave Ritsuko an embarresed grin.  
  
She huffed and walked out of the room as Fuyutski re-entered.  
  
"What'd I miss?" He asked.  
  
Gendo just gave him a lecherous grin.  
  
  
"Get here I say!" FrankenPen had somehow herded Rei into Gendo's office and was now chasing her around the desk. She bumped  
  
into the desk, but somehow managed not to fall. She crawled over the desk, but slipped as FrankenPen grabbed her left foot.  
  
Her right hand strafed something and she felt it merge with her...  
  
This was not good.  
  
She kicked at FrankenPen's face and finally got free and ran out of the room. She almost made it to where the evas were  
  
parked when she suddenly fell through a hole in the floor that had suddenly opened underneath her.  
  
She fell all the way into central dogma where Lillith was currently crucified.  
  
"Damn you're ugly..." Rei muttered when she saw the creature.  
  
Suddenly someone was fondling her ass... she turned around and...  
  
"NOOOOO!!!! NOT YOU AGAIN!" She screamed.  
  
"Nice to see you too." The regenerated body of Kaworu said. "You know, I swing both ways." He grinned at her.  
  
Rei tried to make a hasty retreat so she stuck her right hand out behind her to feel her way... she felt it make contact   
  
with something... she looked back to see herself merge with Lillith.  
  
Kaworu sighed.  
  
"Drat, never one lucky break..."  
  
Someone was fondling his ass... he turned around to se... FrankenPen.  
  
"Your luck is about to turn." The undead penguin said.  
  
Kaworu screamed his lung out. Then Kaworu ran his ass off.  
  
  
Shinji was reloading his chain-gun after having torn apart everything in sight on Tokyo 3 town square.  
  
He felt all warm and fuzzy. He decided that he would make passionate love to Asuka when he got home, then kill her and   
  
defile her infidel body... or even worse: Hand her over to FrankenPen when he was done with her...  
  
  
Ritsuko was trying to make a youth elixir that would make young and beautiful again, and thus enabling her to win Gendo's  
  
love.  
  
  
Fuyutski and Gendo was smoking some serious weed and playing mah-jong.  
  
  
Touji and Hikari was out like snuffed candles.  
  
  
Kaworou was being chased around by FrankenPen.  
  
  
Kensuke and Asuka was making out in the kitchen.  
  
  
Misato and Kaji was doing the satin-sheet-tango.  
  
  
Then everything went boom.  
  
  
  
Author's note: Another epidose (get the joke? Episode/epi-dose) of Ikari Towers has been  
  
delivered... to what ends is this facilitated you might ask and get whapped with the infamous  
  
rolled-up newspaper of death for being stupid.  
  
  
  
  
Aftermath:  
  
  
(Imagine some psycho-babble sequence like the ones in episode 25 & 26)  
  
Rei: What is the purpose of humour?  
  
Gendo: To make people laugh.  
  
Rei: To what end is that facilitated?  
  
Ritsuko: Well, it's been proven that laughter stimulates the cells of the body and thus makes  
  
the human body more resilient towards illness and the like. It also helps you recover from  
  
disease quicker than others... *notices everybody else staring* ...what?  
  
The Big Lebowski: SHUT THE FUCK UP RITSU, YOU'RE OUTTA YOUR ISSUE!!!!  
  
Ritsuko: ...  
  
Rei: Is that humour?  
  
Shinji: Now I understand, this is supposed to be funny. *chuckles uncomfortably*  
  
Asuka *clapping her hands slowly. Deadpanning*: All hail the almighty baka, Shinji.  
  
Shinji: Is that humour as well?... Now I understand. There can also be humour outside this joke,  
  
this sphere of insanity.  
  
  
*black stage dissolves, revealing everybody clapping sarcastically at Shinji and Rei*  
  
  
Gendo *muttering under his breath*: Do I HAVE to do this...  
  
Yui *muttering under her breath*: Either that or the hot tab's off for the next two weeks...  
  
Gendo *subdues feral snarl*: Congratulations, Shinji.  
  
Yui *smiling sweetly*: Congratulations, my son.  
  
FrankenPen: Screw you guys, I'm going home!  
  
Touji *rubs huge lump on his head*: Damn-- my head hurts...  
  
Kensuke *swallows a bottle of pain-killers*: Shinji, you're dead...  
  
Misato *confused*: Umm... congrats?...  
  
Fuyutski *shakes head and sighs*: ...whatever...  
  
Maya Ibuki *appears out of nowhere with the other two NERV techs*: What the hell?  
  
Shigeru *looks around*: ...the fuck?...  
  
Makoto *throws himself to the ground, sobbing*: NO, NOT THE PIXIES AGAIN! I PROMISED I'D BE GOOD!  
  
I PROMISED! THEY SAID THEY'D LEAVE ME ALONE AND THEN THEY GAVE ME THEIR MAGICAL DUST-WAND!  
  
WHERE IS IT? I NEED MY PIXIE-DUST!!!! *pulls out cylinder with white powder in it, pops off the cap and inhales furiously*  
  
Ahhh... *slumps to the ground, drooling and muttering to himself*  
  
Heh... pixies... I'm your daddy...  
  
  
Asuka *recovers swiftly from the shock*: Congratulations and whatever...  
  
Hikari *rubbing back of her head*: Shinji, I will slowly dismember you and then I will claim Rei  
  
as my sex-slave for all eternity.  
  
Rei *casts a frightened glance at FrankenPen*: Whatever-- just get this creep of me!  
  
Shinji *grins nervously*: ...I'm sorry?  
  
Asuka & Hikari *grinning evilly*: No, but you WILL be!  
  
  
THIS IS INSTRUMENTALITY WITH A TWIST OF SICK FUCK! (me ^_^ )  
  
Author's note, part II: You're excused, you can go puke, get blitzed or whatever. I'm done. (For now anyway...) 


End file.
